An apology and yeah, I threw up a challenge to God

so last night after feeling low and the mornings happenings were not any better, I threw up a challenge to God, or whatever you happen to call him when you worship…

I basically said: I challenge you to prove to me that this guy I am smitten with, is really worth my time & this whole lack of communication is just a fluke and/or serious misunderstanding.

I guess he called me out on my challenge b/c it would be one of the explanations why I got a response to a message I had sent him this afternoon.

I had come to find out a series of coincidental events- not suspicious, occurred and sadly, pushed my “danger- bail button,” they were: food poisoning, a car accident, hospital time, and a broken phone. they all seem unrelated but related and all seem pretty manageable in some capacity of human will but when all are lumped together- then, not so much.

the saddest part is that i had allowed a previous “relationship” w/a real douche bag, to ruin and cast shadow over something that was going very well despite my own insecurities and whatever hang ups he is harboring. past assclown just stopped communicating w/me and that has since prompted me to follow my gut when i think something is wrong- in previous instance i should have done this and it would’ve saved me A LOT of grief.

however, in this instance, my defense mechanism is wrong.

so i have no idea if a higher power took pity on me and decided i had put up w/enough & he’d dazzle me w/his god squad ch’i or if it’s the whim of the great magnet that pointed me in right direction.

who knows, all i can say is that i was wrong and look forward to being surprised by what happens next and forces of the universe.

btw, i lost my choo choo train of thought b/c i want fries- hence my lack of real finish. brb- McDonald’s run… mainly b/c there’s not a Wendy’s nearby.

p.s. this does not mean guy i am smitten w/is perfect and all is peachy but he’s less of a danger or whatnot than previously thought.

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I am Jack’s useless heart…

so it appears i will be spending Valentine’s day alone again- oooh, surprise there. it would appear it’s my fault seeing as i am the eternal moron that tends to feel too much and fall for crap guys say- hence, like that Sinatra song- I Fall Too Fast, etc… i also expect communication that most people, let alone guys, can’t produce.

granted i am basing all these feelings on 10+ yrs. of failure in “love” & most recent- huh, what’s happening now? – this i ‘ve not heard official: don’t call us we’ll call you but as the magic eight ball says: all signs point to yes.

hmmm, guess i have a gift i need to return in the morning. on plus side- that’s an extra $20 in my account + tax.

anyway,  so i guess my cont. failure in finding companionship & losing streak remains intact- yay for me; at least that’s one thing i excel at!

so rather than cont. w/a blog of why i am a loser and am banned from finding any happiness in anything remotely resembling love, i shall just log off and drown my sorrows in Jack Daniels- oh wait crap- i left that at his damn place, nice 😦

 

 

 

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silent heart

In the silence of time

i heard a slight,

irregular- rhythm.

the buzzing of my computer

transported me;

countless sighs and cries

of failed “love” left behind.

i think it’s time for barbed twine

around my organ of angst and fear,

to unwind and challenge us both?

 

 

 

 

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smitten little heart

my heart was left for dead

but deep inside, it was fresh and ripe.

someone bit into my heart the other day,

and left a mark behind…

confused, i picked up my heart to see

if any damage was done to me

– just wait and see i thought:

pain and failure in love,

is the only gift

time has ever bought.

yet curiosity draws me near

as i bounce the little heart

in the palm of my hand

i begin to see

an image of me

with a smile for all to see.

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dear god there’s red and pink crap everywhere…

… so in honor of the fast approaching Valentine’s Day “holiday,” which some dread while others flock to the cheesy sections of the store marked accordingly; i figure that every so often i will add my thoughts to the those existing about love, friendship, rings, romance, etc. this is more of an amusement for my brain than anything else. oh, and of course, there will be blood- oops, i mean poetry.

while i thought i would begin these series of blogs with a poem, i figure i would begin with a mention of what i have found online. next week will no doubt find me in the realm of Wal- Mart, shrine to all that is cheap “in theory” and not made in America, but that’s another story. So, i thought that since I would be cutting a blaze through such terrain and would be in need of some Valentine’s Day goodies, i would check out what they have online. Perhaps, they may have something modest but heartfelt that I can bestow upon my new “fly honey,” so to speak b/c I’m not sure what to call us quite yet. (Also, see other blog I wrote about Valentine’s Day in which I lament over what the hell to get him- I still don’t know).

In any case, my hunt through the Wal Mart interwebs of doom has yielded- gift baskets- yes, this drew me like a bee to honey! I thought awesome- a bunch of crap in one basket, brilliant- I’d want that! Then I had to back off and think- well 1- this is for him, not me & 2- his father works for a company that makes sweet treats so this would not be a good idea, especially since he can get the stuff for free! So I must move on to see what else this website has to show me…

“Sleep”wear- we all know this is a joke b/c seriously, who stays in sleepwear long on Valentine’s Day, much less any day it’s worn… btw, I am referring to when it is worn when a romantic party or otherwise, is present.

the game is afoot.

 

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So Valentine’s Day is two wks. away…

and I am actually excited this year. It is true- you only care when you have someone to celebrate with or to not celebrate with… cheers to those that basically say fuck you pink and red day, and go forth on their own day of frivolity amid a co-mingling of lonely despair- seriously, rock that shit! while you’re at it, have a round of Jack for me 😉

but yes, it would seem that for the first time in well- ever, i actually have someone to share the day or evening with- not sure what we’re doing yet but all i know and all that matters, is that we enjoy our time together.

now having never actually had a romantic valentine, i must confess i have no idea what i should do. should i dress up even though we may not go out but possibly do a quite dinner at his place? i have always wanted to get all gussied up, yes i did say gussied up for such an occasion. i would be happy to don a cute little dress and dare i say- one with flowers as a pattern splattered on it?! bright cheery make up may also be in order for such a warm and heart-felt occasion… yes boys and girls i think christmas  is hear again, only disguised by the santa cupid! yes the fat BABY, brings love and misery to all the adults and young would be lovers, all over the world! watch out! he may indeed use trip wire to ensnare you in perplexing romantic affair or he may use a flame thrower to douse your heart in flames when that loved one tells you to fuck off at the end of dinner b/c you *********** who knows what?!

in any case, my biggest- uhm what the hell- part of valentine’s day stems from not knowing what to do for my fly honey. this is new territory fro me b/c usually i am the Einstein of gifts; i can figure out what to get anyone! need something for that cannibal in your life? how about a lovely knife set complete with bucket and yards of plastic, part of the American Psycho collection at Crate and Barrel… know someone that is of the undead? Well, I suggest getting them a subscription to the brain of the month club, featured on specially marked packages of Hostess Lady Fingers 😉

oh, if only it were that simple…

so what do you get a guy for Valentine’s Day? Operators are standing by…

 

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