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Posts Tagged ‘chocolate’

beaten with a whisk with egg and sugar

beaten with a whisk i am angry and bitter

beaten with a whisk i am still sweet

beaten with a whisk i am filled with conceit

whipped into a frenzy i am foaming with angst

whipped into a frenzy i fold under crushing weight

of egg, sugar and chocolate that tastes like winter

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so what do you do when you feel your ch’i is out of whack? i tend to write but sometimes even that doesn’t do it for me. i find that often i sit there and stew in my angst like i’m cooking for friends. why is it hard to perk one’s self up? why are we sometimes so good at being there for others but when it comes to our own happiness we suck so badly.

perhaps it has to do w/our familiarity with our own coping mechanisms and our toughness on ourselves- yes, i think they help do us in so to speak. it’s as if we are battling ourselves and are just like- really, come on- that all you got?! you call that a defense?!

for example, recently i got out of a relationship and while i know it’s over and i realize it is good i am not miserable, i can’t find ways to adequately cope w/my disappointment and gloomy self. usually i write but that is not helping as much w/my mopey ch’i has its done in the past. i would talk to friends but that only goes so far before you sound like a broken record player and since they did not participate in the realtionship, they can never fully speak so well on it… reading, well that just lets my mind wander and then often say- well, look at these people in this book- they’re getting along fine! why does my attempt at love have to fail miserably?

perhaps Professor Lupin from Harry Potter had the right idea when he kept giving Harry a piece of chocolate to make him feel better… now where’s that Nutella?!

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recently i was the bearer of bad news and involved w/a break up. now this is new territory for me and given i’m not sure who did the official goodbye, it’s left me with a lot of uncertain and unhappy emotions. before i cont. : while i initially sent the: yeah not sure what’s going on dove of peace; i’m not sure if that was the: fine it’s over message… bleh, it’s all a disorganized mess to me. anyone that knows me knows this is not good. i need closure or something like it and i got zip. (btw, i’m venting/healing/trying to chug along w/my therapy of words- no angry vibes on my behalf sent anywhere please- it’s my right to vent, not yours concerning this matter) listen to the album pictured above to understand, etc.

anyhoo, so it just got me thinking about why people have problems with others in general and why they often fail to communicate though that is what they feel is key in their own success as a human being navigating the ocean of life.

i tend to leap frog a lot w/my topics so hang tight.

Anyhoo,  so why is it that we can not communicate effectively with one another?

case in point (i’ll pick on me b/c it’s easiest while i’m wounded)… i recently spent a wknd. hanging out with people that are of comfort to me and while i enjoyed their company (loved it actually), i never asked them for the two things i needed most (and still need): to be held for a given amount of time- not sure how much is sufficient, and to be told- it’ll be alright <insert person’s nickname for me>.

now while a lot of you (including the more zazzy version of my nature that rests in a corner of my playroom of ch’i), are probably thinking- get over it you stupid baby! shut up!

i say, why?! who gets to dictate how long is the proper length of time to “let go” of someone that rips your heart out and tosses it by the wayside, ready to be picked up by the next would be “love”??? 

i’ll tell you who- No damn body but you! it’s what i keep telling myself each time i get mopey.

and another thing while i’m at it- i love the people that tell me Now: oh i knew it wouldn’t work out, etc. or well you know…

it’s like gee, thank you good people- like you couldn’t have been thoughtful enough to express your views earlier? i think of that scene in the wedding singer in which robbie [takes a deep breath, sighs] Gee, you know that information… really would’ve been more useful to me *yesterday.* 

seriously people, seriously.

in any case, it doesn’t matter b/c no one knows the good times i shared and how those are the reasons why my ch’i is still out of whack and why i’m doing my best to get it back into better shape. also, i’ve heard and seen other people and honestly, no one really should tell people shit about a relationship b/c Everyone puts up w/their share of crap so to speak- good and bad.

perhaps it really does boil down to what one of my Muses famously told me: it all comes down to ROI, Return On Investment! However much you put into it, you should get back or get back more. oh, and it all depends on how much crazy you want to put up with… guess i was “too much crazy” to handle?!?!?

* have to thank one of my friends for giving me the small bit o’ ch’i to vent and let it out… you rock; potato love back at ya dude.

 

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