Posts Tagged ‘church’

10- Is this the part in The Godfather when everyone dies?! I thought this was a christening.

9- That organ music is too loud, hippies.

8- Where’s the guy selling: The God Squad t-shirts?!

7- Wait, why are the priests and others, talking like Oprah just before she gives you free cars and trips?

6- I was promised hash browns when I got to church!!!

5- People bring their noisy kids, so why can’t I bring my cat Cinnamon?!

4- How many collection envelopes do I need?! Why are there different colors?!

3- When does the Ancient Aliens guy get here?

2- I thought, Midnight Mass was a metal band.

1- WHEN WILL Jesus bring the pork chops?!



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so at church and in taco bell today, i encountered one of my least fave things: noisy-ass kids. i even got into it a bit w/a guy behind me in line at taco bell, about this matter. he said there is no way to “discipline” a child/baby/whatever a younger person, small enough to chunk into a box is called… NO i would not do this (before i get kid lovers and others of the like attacking me).

anyway, this assclown said that kids are naturally loud and one must accept this and learn to understand these things. he spoke as if he were jane goodall speaking on subjects that have been studied greatly- in depth and for many years. he in fact does not have kids so i wonder what observations he has made which have lead him to this grand conclusion…

as for me, my parents kept an eye on me. now while they were not there and everywhere at once, they were keen on making sure i was 1- of no trouble to anyone in the general public and 2- obedient enough in accordance w/their noise level and behavioral preferences.

this is why i CAN NOT grasp concept of letting kids run a muck w/little discipline. thinking that 1- it’s okay to have screaming kids in church and 2- lets have noisy kids in public eateries.

while i can appreciate it being hard to tell baby or child- shhh and then they magically honor such a request, i do think it’s rude and inconsiderate to let your child ruin the dining experience of other people- families included that CAN keep kids to a reasonable decibel. i mean this spinal tap mentality of- it goes to 11, let’s play it that loud may work for metal or rock music but not when my family and others are in church and several shit-apples are being loud as priest is speaking. my family is there to hear him not your damn kid! if your kid turns out to be the messiah, then we’ll talk…

what also drove me nuts was the fact church has a quiet room and doors that lead to outside- use them dammit and spare us the loud ass kidS.

i would gladly pay extra to dine or go someplace in which young children are not allowed.

now, i am sure people are thinking: what a bitch, you were a kid once, you’re mean and blah blah blah blah blah… all of those thoughts are true but i’m just saying, not EVERYONE thinks it’s cute or acceptable when a little kid exercises it’s lungs and taxes my and other people’s last nerve and patience…

oh and by the way, i do have patience but it’s reserved for my daily desire to refrain from eliminating those on my shit list, giving beat downs daily and/or creating a riot in DC using words, angry people and flame throwers.

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and it was alright. now before i cont. i want to say that 1- i am not a practicing christian. 2- i go only to please my mother and family b/c they like to have me there. 3- i have a lot of questions and issues concerning organized religion in general.

w/that said, this blog is just a compilation of my thoughts while in church or en route.

– cool, got my usual seat when i do attend- at the back, to the right, over by statue of St. Michael slaying a demon

– parents, don’t drag your kids to church

– parents, don’t bribe your kid to go to church w/you

– parents, don’t do anything physically to child if they offer resistance to going to church or do not perform certain rites of church exactly they way you think they should

– just like there is a hero with a thousand faces, i’d like to think there’s a god with a thousand faces.

– when i was little, church use to be snack time for me- where’s the kid w/the ritz crackers, peanut butter crackers and/or oreos?!

– on the rare occasion i did go on a sunday (i don’t now b/c i work every sunday morning), i def. didn’t notice This Many people here during regular sunday mass.

– i like the cliff notes so to speak that they gave me upon entering- it was a list of prayers and such concerning the stations of the cross. i am glad for this b/c i would’ve felt more lost than i did when i sat down. i had know idea what i had to do. also, it gave me heads up for when to sit, kneel, stand and pray.

– church was a work out. sit-kneel-stand- pray, do 15 reps of each.

– i can’t believe people show up late?! it’s rude. i wouldn’t do it for a play, the opera, the symphony, a musical or any other type of performance so why do that now?

– also, given it that it is a formal occasion, why can’t people dress up somewhat?! i like to be comfy but heck, even i know i’m not going out to happy hour right now… in the same token, i do hate that it even matters; i realize the point is that they show up.

– why do i have to come to a structure known as a church to pray to god? why can’t i do it everyday in my normal surroundings?

– i’m hungry

– how long is this going to be?

– glad they didn’t use incense- for some reason what they use causes my stomach to ache much like it does when my mother cooks liver and onions

– after stations of cross, where did everyone go?!

– during service of christ’s last words, didn’t we do this already?

– thoughts about stigmata- this went on during most of service.

– i wonder what my father is thinking, why’s he trying to make me laugh? haha, go dad!

– i don’t see a lot of women wearing what my mother does over her head, hmmm- weird.

– i wonder what the priest thinks about the pope’s visit to cuba, etc.

– thoughts stray to The Master and Margarita- look it up and you’ll know why.

– that’s a nice truck the church is selling raffle tickets to win.

– i want to go to the fish fry they’re having- yummies.

– i am still hungry.

– how come they don’t have holy water in the bowls or whatnot when you walk in? what if i wanted some? i can tell others are disappointed too.

– thought about my Jesus shirt at home, ha ha… i miss my God Squad t-shirt

– thoughts about dane cook’s stand up routine concerning church and such, haha.

– what? we’re leaving now? okay.




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